S01E05 - Nicknames
No: 5 | Season: 1 Episode: 5 | Air Date: 20-May-12
Bloggers' nicknames for Selina become her next obsession; Dan goes on a fact-finding mission after his boss is snubbed by the president; it's make-or-break time for the clean-jobs bill.
Director and Writers
Director: Tristram Shapeero
Story by: Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci
Teleplay by: Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci
Selina: (after a secret service agent laughs at her joke) That was totally inappropriate.
Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Amy: I'll see to it.
Mike: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Dan: Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Selina: Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Dan & Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Selina: Who's gonna go first?
Mike: Ladies first.
Selina: So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Dan: Sure. This is class genocide.
Selina: This is this um, huh?
Dan: This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Gary: Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Selina: Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
Mike: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
Selina: All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
Sue: Am I sure? (stares him down)
Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
Lobbyist Sidney Purcell: I don't have any children. I have a niece and I f**king hate her.
Amy: How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
Lobbyist Sidney Purcell: You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a f**king disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.
Selina: "Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
Amy: No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
Selina: ...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
Gary: God, no.
Amy: You said you had thick skin.
Gary: Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
Amy: No, Gary.
Gary: That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Selina: Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?
Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!
Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a f**king dildo!
Dan: I thought--
Selina: No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a f**king MESS! Get out of my office.
Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
Dan: What I"m saying, you f**king ape, is that you are a useless waste of f**king carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so f**king low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a f**kload is not a nice restaurant.
Jonah: Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Dan: Watch it.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're f**king New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
Notes and Trivia
When Dan and Jonah go out for lunch, the server brings them a large breadbasket. As he places the basket in front of them, one piece of bread falls out but in the next shot all pieces of bread are perfectly placed in the basket.
|Starring||Julia Louis-Dreyfus||Selina Meyer|
|Starring||Anna Chlumsky||Amy Brookheimer|
|Starring||Tony Hale||Gary Walsh|
|Starring||Reid Scott||Dan Egan|
|Starring||Timothy Simons||Jonah Ryan|
|Starring||Matt Walsh||Mike McLintock|
|Starring||Sufe Bradshaw||Sue Wilson|
|Guest Starring||Peter Grosz||Sidney Purcell|
|Guest Starring||Joe Hansard||Joe|
|Guest Starring||Avi Kulawy||Metal Band|
|Guest Starring||Chris Moore||Metal Band|
|Guest Starring||Russell John Obber III||Metal Band|
|Guest Starring||William L. Thomas||Martin Collins|