S03E10 - New Hampshire
No: 28 | Season: 3 Episode: 10 | Air Date: 8-Jun-14
While Selina balances her unexpected Presidency with the New Hampshire primary, Dan pushes Jonah to take the blame for a catastrophic media revelation.
Director and Writers
Director: Chris Addison
Story by: Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche
Teleplay by: Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche
Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.
Amy: Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Selina: Those f**kers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?
(whilst flying on Airforce One)
Dan: Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the f**k out of us in the polls.
Selina: Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history.
Mike: Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency... No, that won't happen. (beat) isn't this plane amazing?
Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.
Selina: But I am asking you that.
Ben: It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year, and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Selina: So guess what. I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: (looking around) I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn't telling you what I told you. (points to Dan) The f**k stops here, Dan.
Jonah: Dan! What the f**k is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
Jonah: I publically denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Dan: Ooh, wow.
Jonah: There's one of me f**kin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Dan: Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Jonah: Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
Dan: No. That's that's impossible.
Jonah: Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.
Dan: Oh, you want a Jonah?
Jonah: Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f**k that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
Dan: Shit! I gotta go.
Jonah: You know what? They should be called Dans.
Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to f**k 'em, too. God, I would love to f**k a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can f**k anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.
Notes and Trivia
When Gary and Selina are laughing hysterically at the news that Selina will become president, Selina searches through Gary's bag and finds a book titled "Bicycles." Selina asks Gary, "Why is there a bicycle book?" Gary's response is, "I love bicycles!" Hovever it should be noted, the book is actually a poetry collection, not an actual bicycle book.
|Starring||Julia Louis-Dreyfus||Selina Meyer|
|Starring||Anna Chlumsky||Amy Brookheimer|
|Starring||Tony Hale||Gary Walsh|
|Starring||Reid Scott||Dan Egan|
|Starring||Timothy Simons||Jonah Ryan|
|Starring||Matt Walsh||Mike McLintock|
|Starring||Kevin Dunn||Ben Cafferty|
|Starring||Sufe Bradshaw||Sue Wilson|
|Guest Starring||Gary Cole||Kent Davison|
|Guest Starring||Randall Park||Danny Chung|
|Guest Starring||Phil Reeves||Andrew Doyle|
|Guest Starring||Sam Richardson||Richard Splett|
|Guest Starring||Sarah Sutherland||Catherine Meyer|
|Guest Starring||Glenn Wrage||Joe Thornhill|
|Co-Starring||Julie Mun||Female Staffer|
|Co-Starring||Jon Douglas Rainey||Official Photographer|
|Co-Starring||Barbara Rosenblat||Diane Appleby|
|Co-Starring||Regen Wilson||Press Guy #2|
|Co-Starring||Robin Zerbe||NH Campaign Staffer|