S05E07 - Congressional Ball
No: 45 | Season: 5 Episode: 7 | Air Date: 5-Jun-16
At the White House Christmas party, Selina bargains for votes in hopes of breaking the election tie. Meanwhile, the staff is preoccupied with the annual "50 Hottest D.C. Staffers" list; Mike eyes a job outside politics; and Dan helps Jonah with debate prep in New Hampshire.
Director and Writers
Director: Maurice Marable
Story by: Billy Kimball
Reporter: Mike, the navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore. Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it is in Congresswoman Nickerson's district?
Mike: Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need.
Reporter: Drop the puck?
Mike: Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
Reporter: Mike, question about the president's daughter Catherine. Is it true that...
Mike: Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.
Mike: Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, you know, her condition.
Selina: What? She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
Selina: Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now? And would you please, please try and keep it clean?
Roger Furlong: Madam President, tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party for congressional members and their families. Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach. Ben will keep the offer straight. Kent will keep a running tally. Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires. And once you're all done with them, I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes.
Selina: Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (sighs) Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add?
Tom: No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism.
Buddy: Hi. Carson City, Nevada.
Amy: Ah, Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string.
Buddy: You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.
Amy: Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
Woman: Aren't you Gary Walsh?
Gary: What did I do?
Woman: You've got to come meet my daughter. She saw you in "The Hill." She's single, divorced, has a kid. But he's really a sweetheart.
Gary: Oh, how nice.
(They leave together)
Selina: God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.
Selina: If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a f**king sweatshirt.
Nickerson: Let's cut the shit, Selina.
Selina: Oh, here it is.
Nickerson: All roads through Colorado go through me and the toll just went up.
Selina: You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head f**king hen. 'Cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
Nickerson: Good God.
Selina: So can I count on your vote? Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
Notes and Trivia
|Starring||Julia Louis-Dreyfus||Selina Meyer|
|Starring||Anna Chlumsky||Amy Brookheimer|
|Starring||Tony Hale||Gary Walsh|
|Starring||Reid Scott||Dan Egan|
|Starring||Timothy Simons||Jonah Ryan|
|Starring||Matt Walsh||Mike McLintock|
|Starring||Kevin Dunn||Ben Cafferty|
|Starring||Sufe Bradshaw||Sue Wilson|
|Starring||Gary Cole||Kent Davison|
|Starring||Sam Richardson||Richard Splett|
|Guest Starring||Dan Bakkedahl||Roger Furlong|
|Guest Starring||Hugh Laurie||Tom James|
|Guest Starring||Patton Oswalt||Teddy Sykes|
|Guest Starring||Diedrich Bader||Bill Ericsson|
|Guest Starring||K Callan||Judy Sherman|
|Guest Starring||Clea DuVall||Marjorie Palmiotti|
|Guest Starring||Troy Evans|
|Guest Starring||Nelson Franklin||Will|
|Guest Starring||Phil LaMarr||Paul Graves|
|Guest Starring||Peter MacNicol||Jeff Kane|
|Guest Starring||Rod McLachlan|
|Guest Starring||Seth Morris||Bill Jaeger|
|Guest Starring||Matt Oberg||Buddy Calhoun|
|Guest Starring||Zak Orth||Jim Owens|
|Guest Starring||David Rasche||Jim Marwood|
|Guest Starring||Sarah Sutherland||Catherine Meyer|
|Guest Starring||Concetta Tomei||Connie DiBenedetto|
|Guest Starring||Stephnie Weir||Penny Nickerson|
|Co-Starring||Michael Edwin||Congressman Baxter|
|Co-Starring||Phil Hawn||Congressman Baines|
|Co-Starring||Morgan Smith||Candi Caruso|