All quotes from the hit HBO show "Veep"
S01E01 - Fundraiser (Quotes)
Dan: Jesus f**king Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the f**king hole, shut the f**king lid, hit the f**king button for two f**king seconds. Oh, it's so easy.
Gary: Too quick, I didn't see it.
Dan: Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big f**kin' bitch bag.
Amy: So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?
Dan: Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.
Gary: (about the coffee machine) Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.
Dan: It's a nice bag, Gary.
Amy: You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."
Dan: Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?
Gary: (still about the machine) Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?
Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
Selina: You want to expand on that?
Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
Selina: See, I--
Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
Dan: I really admired your primaries campaign.
Selina: Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
Dan: Two things I would have done differently.
Selina: Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?
Dan: I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.
Dan: You're the pro.
Hallowes: Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
Selina: I know.
Hallowes: I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.
Dan: (laughs) That's a good one.
Mike: Just a small change in the speech.
Selina: What is that?
Mike: Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.
Selina: This has been pencil-f**ked completely?
Mike: Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
Selina: That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.
Dan: Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible f**king dog.
S01E02 - Frozen Yoghurt (Quotes)
Amy: Uh... When was this Two point me meeting with Selina?
Dan: Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.
Amy: Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.
Dan: Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.
Amy: F**k point you.
Selina: Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.
Gary: I feel like a gecko.
Amy: Sorry to interrupt, but f**k-a-deedoo-dah, f**k-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.
Amy: "Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.
Selina: Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!
Amy: And the country.
Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.
Amy: That's why I get paid the medium bucks.
Selina: Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.
Mike: You want to normalize it?
Selina: Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?
Mike: Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.
S01E03 - Catherine (Quotes)
Amy: Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?
Mike: I'm still working on it, Amy.
Amy: Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.
Mike: Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?
Amy: Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?
Mike: Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.
Amy: And there it is.
Jonah: Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?
Selina: Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?
Jonah: No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. (Selina fakes a laugh) I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.
Selina: What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.
Gary: She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.
Dan: No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?
Dan: I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Chuck is a gesture all right. Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the f**k is Chuck Furnham?"
Gary: You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.
Selina: Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."
Amy: People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
Selina: Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are f**king idiots.
S01E04 - Chung (Quotes)
Gary: What did you do?
Amy: You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
Amy: 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.
Gary: Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.
Dan: I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was f**kin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.
Amy: Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.
Dan: Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.
Amy: Eh-- I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.
Selina: I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little f**kers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherf**king knees.
S01E05 - Nicknames (Quotes)
Selina: (after a secret service agent laughs at her joke) That was totally inappropriate.
Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Amy: I'll see to it.
Mike: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Dan: Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Selina: Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Dan & Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Selina: Who's gonna go first?
Mike: Ladies first.
Selina: So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Dan: Sure. This is class genocide.
Selina: This is this um, huh?
Dan: This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Gary: Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Selina: Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
Mike: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
Selina: All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
Sue: Am I sure? (stares him down)
Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
Lobbyist Sidney Purcell: I don't have any children. I have a niece and I f**king hate her.
Amy: How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
Lobbyist Sidney Purcell: You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a f**king disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.
Selina: "Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
Amy: No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
Selina: ...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
Gary: God, no.
Amy: You said you had thick skin.
Gary: Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
Amy: No, Gary.
Gary: That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Selina: Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?
Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!
Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a f**king dildo!
Dan: I thought--
Selina: No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a f**king MESS! Get out of my office.
Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
Dan: What I"m saying, you f**king ape, is that you are a useless waste of f**king carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so f**king low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a f**kload is not a nice restaurant.
Jonah: Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Dan: Watch it.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're f**king New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
S01E06 - Baseball (Quotes)
Amy: You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.
Selina: You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.
Amy: You should really just go and--
Selina: Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.
Dan: (seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina) Holy sh-- Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a f**king neck tattoo.
Amy: Thanks for the support.
Dan: So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.
Amy: That is literally your first thought?
Dan: No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.
Amy: Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him F**k Weasel.
S01E07 - Full Disclosure (Quotes)
Selina: I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. (Amy shakes her head) What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?
Amy: No, no, my-- processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.
Selina: Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?
Amy: I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.
Selina: What do you mean?
Amy: Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un--
Selina: Doesn't like what?
Amy: He just doesn't-- doesn't really--
Selina: Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.
Ted: Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't f**king call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherf**ker?
Selina: Was that a journalist?
Selina: Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to f**k his mother!
Ted: Her mother, actually.
Selina: What the hell.
Jonah: Hi, everybody. (no one says anything) So no apologies?
Amy: For what?
Jonah: Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." (people laugh and Mike points to himself) "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."
Dan: Oh, that made it in there!
Jonah: Everybody knows this is me, guys.
Gary: Selina's had a miscarriage.
Dan: Well, this is good for us.
Amy: Nicely done, Dandroid.
Mike: How is she?
Dan: Free from a major f**king political headache, I'd say.
Sue: That's deep space cold, Dan.
Mike: Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.
Amy: Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.
Selina: Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?
Amy: Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our f**king records? Full disclosure.
Selina: Are you serious?
Amy: Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.
Mike: Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.
Amy: So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.
Selina: Dan, what do you think about this?
Dan: I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.
Amy: Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to-- God, I am so sorry.
Selina: Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?
Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.
Mike: The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.
Selina: Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?
Selina: So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this f**king thing.
Selina: Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the f**k up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the f**k up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.
S01E08 - Tears (Quotes)
Roger: Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People--
Selina: I know how to give a motherf**king speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!
Mike: Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
Selina: Are you kidding me?
Mike: Not great, admittedly.
Selina: "Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my f**king memoir.
Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
Selina: I know.
Gary: We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. (she gives him a look) Or a ballerina or modern dancer.
(Regarding the likelihood of Dan appearing at a Congressional hearing)
Dan: Okay, let's say this does actually happen and I get called in, what's it like up there?
Larry: You know those dreams where your football coach is, like, screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of the Congressional Committee! You're gonna get hometown, downtown questions, you'll catch bi-partisan shit, there's gonna be grandstanding, and if they smell blood, if they sense that you're going down and there's gonna be a kill, you might get what we call 'corpse-f**king'.
Dan: (horrified) Jesus fu-- 'Corpse-f**king'?!
Larry: That's what it's called. Where they take your mortal remains and have as much fun with it as they can. Because everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound byte, okay, and they're gonna be taking about you.
S02E01 - Midterms (Quotes)
Statistician 1: You're like Neo.
Selina: What's a Neo?
Statistician 1: He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.
Statistician 2: The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Jonah: Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.
Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. (pause) Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
Selina: (very tired, hearing she has interviews to do) Oh, God.
Gary: Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
Selina: Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the f**king Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
S02E02 - Signals (Quotes)
Amy: Christ, it's everywhere.
Dan: Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...
Amy: No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie 5 Broken Cameras.
Dan: Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
Amy: It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.
Dan: That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.
Amy: She talks about the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression.
Amy: We have to issue a statement.
Dan: All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that f**ker out.
Amy: No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.
Random Guy: I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
Random Guy: Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Random Guy: Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the Post about the hostage situation?
Dan: Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Random Guy: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah, I got to do some f**king weights. This is for rubber idiots.
Selina: We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Selina: Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Mike: Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
Selina: That's a good one, Mike!
Selina: (on the phone with her ex-husband) No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? (quietly to Amy) With any luck.
Jonah: Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Selina: Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Mike: Oh, here's your ma.
Selina: Hey, you got her? Hi, Catherine. How are you?
Catherine: Hi, Mom.
Selina: Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to f**k the pig before they roasted it?
Amy: I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Selina: Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?
S02E03 - Hostages (Quotes)
Kent: I cook these noodles every day.
Jonah: Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. (Kent glares) I will leave.
Kent: They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.
Amy: Why are we talking about noodles?
Ben: No, let me rephrase that. Why the f**k are we talking about noodles?
Kent: I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.
Amy: So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?
Kent: Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... (snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings)
Ben: You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is f**king pathetic.
S02E04 - The Vic Allen Dinner (Quotes)
Kent: You sail, Mike? Have a boat?
Mike: Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
Kent: Great cruiser.
Mike: Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.
Kent: I've got a Lagoon 380.
Mike: That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
Kent: You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.
Jonah: (about Selina's song 50 Ways to Win in Denver) I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.
S02E05 - Helsinki (Quotes)
Kent: We're all on the same team here.
Furlong: Right, team F**k Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.
Kent: You need to look at the bigger picture!
Doyle: Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!
Furlong: Yeah, and no the good ones. Not Platoon.
Doyle: I mean, what the f**k is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!
Ben: That I'd like to see.
Kent: Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?
Mike: I think I caught it on a plane once.
Kent: The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.
Mike: And what is exactly going on here?
Kent: I cannot tell you that, Mike.
Mike: Is Selina Gollum?
Gary: I'm the VP's bag-man. Which I believe in Finland you say kassi?
Mina Houkenen: Excuse me?
Gary: I'm a kassi.
(People around the table start tittering)
Mina Houkenen: Where did you get this translation from?
Gary: I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works in the embassy and she gave me a lesson before I came.
Osmo Houkenen: You see, "kassi" is "bag", but it's not, uh, "bag-man". It's a-- a man-bag you know? (makes a cupping gesture with his hand)
Mina Houkenen: It is a container. It is a testicle container.
S02E06 - Andrew (Quotes)
Dan: What's the whole not-drinking thing?
Ed Webster: I'm a Quaker.
Dan: Bullshit! No one's a f**king Quaker.
Jonah: You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.
Ed: Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.
S02E07 - Shutdown (Quotes)
Selena: You know, Jim, you're a lot older than me. If you die within the next six years, I will be attending your funeral and giving a eulogy when POTUS sends me there in his stead. And it is going to be full of subtext, chock-full of subtext.
Jim Marwood: Well, I look forward to that. Oh, wait, I'll be dead.
Sue: It looks like the NASA guys had to reschedule.
Gary: Oh, crap, I wanted to meet the NASA guys.
Mike: Gary, they don't even walk on the moon any more. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in in a hangar.
S02E08 - First Response (Quotes)
Cody Marshall: They're expecting a puff piece.
Janet Ryland: Right.
Cody Marshall: There's the bluff puff, which we are going to start out with. You're her friend. You went to high school together. You guys like each other. Then we switch right over to rough puff. Nobody does rough puff like you. (Janet growls like a lioness.)
Janet Ryland: Thank you so much for inviting us into your home today, Madam Vice President.
Selina: It's certainly my pleasure.
Janet Ryland: I thought it might be fun to talk about what's original and what's been augmented over the years.
Selina: We're talking about the building, right?
S02E09 - Running (Quotes)
Selina: Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.
Ben: Because he's a mess, alright. He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.
Selina: I took the heat for the spy. Don't I get any credit for that at all?
Ben: Yeah, so now we've got the judiciary committee subpoenaing us senseless, and on top of that, we got a rumour going around that says there's a challenger inside the party.
Selina: What? Who?
Ben: I dunno. One of Gaddafi's sons? They're polling better, so thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?
Selina: Ah, that's lovely. Is this what it's going to be like for the next two years?
Ben: Oh, my, yes. We are at DEFCON F**k.
Selina: You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?
Selina: Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?
Dan: I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.
Selina: He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?
Dan: Your mix is my command.
Mike: Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?
Selina: No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.
Mike: Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.
Jonah: Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! Somebody order boom service? As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?
Amy: Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to an invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.
(Jonah is dumbstruck with shock, his mouth wide open)
Mike: You just broke his brain, Amy.
Dan: Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.
Gary: These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.
Selina: Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."
Dan: Come on.
Selina: He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.
Amy: How bad is she?
Doctor: She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.
Amy: Did you give her any painkillers, or...
Doctor: I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.
Dan: I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.
Amy: Oh. Dan.
Dan: This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.
Amy: Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone-- and just kill the momentum and...
Dan: Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.
Amy: Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.
Dan: So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.
Amy: Don't they both die?
Dan: No, not when they jump. They die at the end.
Amy: Ma'am. Uh, how are you?
Selina: Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.
Amy: But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?
Selina: I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.
Selina: Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine f**king that guy?
S02E10 - D.C. (Quotes)
Roger: All right, let's get this over with ASAP. It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like-- hey, what do you move like, Will?
Will: I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.
Roger: That's right.
Selina: Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech... a little bit more presidential.
Selina: Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the f**k out of me.
Dan: Ooh, I got something.
Jonah: Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.
Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Then you can f**k off.
Sue: Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.
Kent: Happy to, Miss Wilson. I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.
Sue: Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.
Kent: Excellent. I respect your brevity. It's almost threatening.
Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to f**k off and go back to Westworld.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: You need to f**k off.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: I said f**k off. Three f**ks, you're out.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
S03E01 - Some New Beginnings (Quotes)
Jonah: Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.
Dan: Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?
Jonah: It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.
Dan: You don't think maybe you should take that down?
Jonah: You don't think you should go fist a chimp?
Jonah: Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...
Kent: You're embarrassing yourself.
Jonah: Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.
Dan: He really doesn't.
Jonah: See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan... F**k you, Dan!
Kent: That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.
Jonah: Sir, did POTUS okay this?
Kent: Get him out of here!
S03E02 - The Choice (Quotes)
Gary: About the campaign, I had an idea.
Selina: (handing him a used sanitary wipe) Here you go.
Gary: Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."
Selina: I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.
Dan: You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for (indicating himself...) Superman and (...and Amy) Wonder Woman over there, just, (super-cutesy) "I wanna be President."
Gary: Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...
Selina: No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.
Dan: No matter how dumb they are.
Dan: We need to pick a number.
Selina: No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.
Dan: I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a f**king number, any f**king number. Give that f**king number to the f**king press, and go to f**king bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a f**king t-shirt? Come on! (long awkward pause) I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.
Selina: Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?
S03E03 - Alicia (Quotes)
Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Catherine: Goddammit. (To Gary and Dan) It's okay. Fixed her.
Selina: I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Ben: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Right. But they do not own me!
Ben: They really don't, ma'am.
Selina: No, they don't!
S03E04 - Clovis (Quotes)
Selina: I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
Kent: Well, in a way they are.
Selina: No, they're not!
Kent: Okay, I take your point.
Selina: I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. (indicates an elderly cleaner nearby) That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Kent: Down the hall, to the right.
Selina: I hate this f**king place.
S03E05 - Fishing (Quotes)
Joe Thornhill: (on TV) I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Selina: (to Ben) How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of a**holes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any f**k of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Ben: Got my vote.
S03E06 - Detroit (Quotes)
Amy: This is a gun show for women.
Selina: That's right.
Mike: Women with guns are less threatening, Ma'am.
Selina: Yeah, actually. Because they're not nut jobs. Case in point, by the way.
Amy: This could be good. 'Feminism Reloaded'.
S03E07 - Special Relationship (Quotes)
Ray: Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
Mike: This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."
Ray: How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."
Ben: Holy f**king Christ. What is that, Ray?
Selina: What a f**king misery marathon that was. (Looks around) Where is everybody?
Mike: Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.
Mike: I know, right?
Selina: I should just go back out there. Did you see that?
Mike: Yeah, I saw.
Selina: Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?
Gary: Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.
Selina: No, they don't.
Selina: Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.
Kent: People are disturbed by your role--
Ray: Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.
Kent: No, no, no. You don't understand.
Ray: No, I do! I do. Look, people think that, you know, the fitness guy, how can he know about politics? I get you, Kent.
Kent: (groans in frustration) Again, I don't think you do. People think Selina's judgement is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.
Ray: Because I am people.
Kent: Oh, you're not getting it.
Ray: You know, the brain is a muscle.
Kent: No, it isn't!
Kent: You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple: you're fired.
Ray: I get you. Very simple.
Kent: Yes, it is.
Ray: Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.
Kent: (astounded) This is amazing.
Ray: Thank you.
Jonah: Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings--that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh... tiny child balls?
Dan: (on phone, walking out) Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look f**king folksy in a London pub.
Mike: Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a f**king terrible campaign manager"?
Amy: I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.
S03E08 - Debate (Quotes)
Gary: What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?
Mike: Of course I don't f**king like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!
Gary: The elven look is in right now, I was reading about it.
Mike: People don't elect elves, okay. They put them to work in grottos or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.
Gary: That's dwarves.
Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Furlong: Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Amy: Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
Ben: Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Amy: Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Furlong: Don't do the voice, though.
Kent: I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Amy: Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Kent: Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Mike: Oh, well, I'm the hip hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
S03E09 - Crate (Quotes)
Jonah: I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.
Jonah's mom: Well, can your DC friends help?
Jonah: I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
Amy: (on Thornhill) Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.
Dan: Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
Ben: Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.
Selina: Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President... who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for "victory permaf**ked." I don't deserve it. You know? Goddammit. I don't, but you do, because you are all losers! Every motherf**king one of you! (pointing to Amy and Gary) Loser! Loser!
S03E10 - New Hampshire (Quotes)
Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.
Amy: Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Selina: Those f**kers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?
(whilst flying on Airforce One)
Dan: Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the f**k out of us in the polls.
Selina: Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history.
Mike: Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency... No, that won't happen. (beat) isn't this plane amazing?
Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.
Selina: But I am asking you that.
Ben: It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year, and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Selina: So guess what. I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: (looking around) I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn't telling you what I told you. (points to Dan) The f**k stops here, Dan.
Jonah: Dan! What the f**k is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
Jonah: I publically denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Dan: Ooh, wow.
Jonah: There's one of me f**kin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Dan: Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Jonah: Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
Dan: No. That's that's impossible.
Jonah: Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.
Dan: Oh, you want a Jonah?
Jonah: Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f**k that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
Dan: Shit! I gotta go.
Jonah: You know what? They should be called Dans.
Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to f**k 'em, too. God, I would love to f**k a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can f**k anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.
S04E01 - Joint Session (Quotes)
Sue: I do not like to swear guys, but I think the 'S' is about to hit the 'F'.
Mike: The 'shit' is gonna to hit the 'f**k'?
Sue: No, 'F' is for 'fan', Mike, not 'f**k'. Why would shit hit f**k? Shit doesn't hit f**k.
Selina: Alright, so we'll 'c**k-thumb' the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?
Ben: I don't know. Two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?
Selina: Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.
Selina: This speech was supposed to perfectly define my presidency. Whole cities of children were gonna be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal...giant...dildos!
Furlong: I've read the speech, so my friends here--oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military industrial complex. Military industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Amy: Is this about the submarine jobs?
Furlong: Ten f**king points to Elsa the Ice Queen!
Kent: Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?
Furlong: It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
Amy: The N6-20's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
Mike: And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
Furlong: You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin whatever the f**k, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round f**king window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses, and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Ben: Hey, Dobby the House Elf. We've had enough. Just get out.
Furlong: Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First Bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to f**k. (makes Vulcan salute, then the middle finger) Live long and f**k off!
S04E02 - East Wing (Quotes)
Selina: Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you Gary! I don't remember f**king you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!
Gary: Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand--
Selina: Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!
Gary: That is not true ma'am.
Selina: You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!
Gary: You're wrong.
Selina: Excuse me?!
Gary: When's Catherine's birthday?
Selina: June 8th--
Gary: Which senator's daughter's in rehab?
Selina: You're out of line, missy!
Gary: Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?
Selina: I don't know!
Gary: I do. I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!
Selina: No you're not!
Gary: Yes I am!!
Selina: NO YOU'RE NOT!
Gary: I have broken my body for you!
Selina: Oh, come on....
Gary: I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FU**ING EVERYTHING TO YOU!!
Selina: Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!
Gary: Okay go!
Gary: Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!
(long pause, Gary's face turns to horror as realizes what he just implied)
Selina: You mean on Labor Day?
Gary: I didn't say that.
Selina: Yeah, you did, you ju- you just said 'Labor Day'.
Gary: I said I would never mention that ever.
Bill Ericsson: What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?
Ben: Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium.
Patty: Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!
Ben: Did you see the cost of the dinner?
Bil Ericsson: This'll sting us; make us look decadent and remote.
Ben: Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.
Sue: Does the president need to know she has a lot on her plate right now? No pun intended.
Bill Ericsson: That her bagman spends like a Babylonian king? Yes, I think so!
Ben: Well, you can tell her. She likes you.
Bill Ericsson: And I plan on keeping it that way, so I'll leave it to you.
Ben: Sue, would you like to tell the president?
Sue: Er, no I would not, but thank you for thinking of me.
Ben: (to Patty) You have a pretty good relationship with the president don't you? You guys talk--
Patty: (faking her phone ringing) Beep-boop-beep-boop. Hello? Yeah? Hi.
S04E03 - Data (Quotes)
Ben: Hey, Dan.
Dan: Thought you resigned.
Ben: I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.
Dan: No. No, this is not--this is not real.
Ben: No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
Dan: So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
Ben: You're not fired.
Dan: Oh, thank f**k for that.
Ben: Because you've just resigned.
Kent: It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.
Dan: No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!
Ben: You listen to me, you little f**king turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will f**king destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty f**king chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead f**king eyeballs!!
Kent: I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.
Dan: The HIV girl.
Dan: The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.
Dan: Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.
Ben: F**k! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Dd we definitely out this girl?
Dan: Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."
Ben: Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!
Bill Ericsson: Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?
Ben: Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?
Mike: This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.
Dan: What's our line here? Do we tell the president?
Ben: No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!
S04E04 - Tehran (Quotes)
(regarding Senator Doyle floundering during his speech on supporting LGBTQ people in sports)
Bill Ericsson: Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.
Ben: I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!
Gary: Everyone knows that 'Q' means 'questioning'! (laughs)
Kent: Ironically, the straight guy is rather stiff around the gay guy.
S04E05 - Convention (Quotes)
Selina: Karen, what do you think of Pierce?
Karen: Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.
Amy: Have you been sent from the future to destroy me, 'cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent, you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!
Selina: Okay, Amy, that is enough.
Amy: I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings--no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.
Selina: (as Amy walks to the door) Well, I guess she's finished with her little...(Amy walks back to her) oh, nope, look at that, there's more.
Amy: You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she f**king sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.
S04E06 - Storms and Pancakes (Quotes)
S04E07 - Mommy Meyer (Quotes)
Ben: So, uh, any other psychotic things we should know about you?
Tom: I think we should sterilize everyone in New Jersey.
Kent: Good idea!
Tom: I'm in favor of assisted dying to anyone who talks in a movie theatre...
Ben: That's forward thinking.
Tom: ...and I think we should legalise drugs.
Ben: Oh, yeah! I'll get the bong!
Tom: No, no, that last one, that's actually not a joke.
Jonah: (laughs) Set it up, knock it down! Tom James! (no-one else is laughing)
Tom: I'm serious. I think we should legalize drugs; having seeing what my son's been through, I think it's the only way.
Mike: F**k my face.
Kent: Okay, uh...
Mike: If this gets out, my life's hell!
Tom: Guys, guys! Everybody, calm down.
Bill Ericsson: Yeah, let's just smoke a doobie and pop some ludes(!)
Tom James: (after hearing about the data leak) Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen f**k did this happen". What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!
Kent: He's really good.
Richard: It's cause there's seven of us!
Kent: I meant as a politician.
Richard: I know, I know.
S04E08 - B/ill (Quotes)
Tom James: Everyone, shut your f**king holes!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! (to Bill Ericsson) I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, (to Mike) you're Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, (to Kent) and Nazi Doctor! (to Gary) I don't even know what the f**k you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the President. So lets do that shall we?
Selina: Tom... I do the team talks, okay?
Tom James: You're absolutely right, ma'am.
Selina: And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together people!
S04E09 - Testimony (Quotes)
Ms. Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files?
Dan: Uh, no. No, ma'am.
Amy: No. That doesn't ring a bell.
Ms. Bennett: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad?
Dan: Not to my knowledge.
Jonah: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
Mr. Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
Dan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
Mr. Rakes: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection--
Jonah: Do we have to go through all of these?
Mr. Wallace: I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
Mr. Rakes: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
Mr. Wallace: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
Mr. Rakes: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca.
Jonah: My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.
Mr. Rakes: Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?
Mr. Rakes: But you do know who was responsible?
Mrs Brewer: Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?
Mr Rakes: Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer Mr Cafferty?
Ben: No... I am not.
S04E10 - Election Night (Quotes)
Selina: Well, I've asked America if she wants me to be her president. Now she's gonna give us her answer.
Gary: America doesn't just love you, ma'am, - she is in love with you.
Mike: We've lost Kentucky!
Sue: Politics bores me. It bores the living hell out of me. God, it's boring. Amy looks off her game, distracted.
Sue's Friend: I only really know Amy as the woman who rushed everywhere clutching her phone like it contained her frozen embryos.
Jonah: You guys remember the A-Team, right? A-Team? "I'm the A-Team". Mr. T... Um they were supposed to be on the run, but, you know, they were in a really distinctive van. Yeah, what was up... What was up with that?
Selina: You know, Catherine, men are horrible. Okay? I mean, I have to just tell it to you like it is, honey. But all men are awful. Really. And the key is to just find a man who's the least horrible.
Selina: Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just f**k you over. And you know why? Because they're ignorant and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.
Selina: No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent. A tie is unprecedented. So is becoming the first lady president. So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door. Okay? The rule book's been torn up now and America is wiping its nasty ass with it.
S05E01 - Morning After (Quotes)
Selina: Didn't those founding f**kers ever hear of an odd number?
Ben: Two great Greek contributions to society democracy and getting f**ked up the ass.
Selina: I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.
Mike: I'm gonna be a dad.
Selina: You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. There is no time for some Chinese baby. Cancel it and see if you can get your money back.
Ben: Fortune cookie say you f**k up big-time, round eye.
Director of the Secret Service: Since you became president, we have been looking for a new lead agent for your detail.
Selina: Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart from the discolored tooth. But that's obviously not a reason to replace him.
Gary: Can they replace the tooth?
Jonah: This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit. How dare she put you in charge of me?
Richard: It's an outrage is what it is.
Jonah: It is an outrage, you know? She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles.
Richard: I don't think that's what happens.
Selina: What we have to do is hang a bell on this guy. He's completely off book.
Kent: No, ma'am, I think that means that he's learned all his lines and he no longer needs a script.
Selina: No, he's off book.
Sue: Off the hook?
Selina: No, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do.
Ben: You mean off the rails.
Selina: Fine, he's off the rails.
Amy: Well, let's make Tom economy czar.
Selina: Yeah. We'll czar him. That'll give him something to do.
Amy: Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it.
Dan: Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.
Selina: You can get rid of this Skittle that's embedded in my face.
Gary: She's also got a mole near her Spanx line and it's hidden...
Selina: Yeah, and this thing up my ass has got to get removed, too.
Selina: I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters?
Ben: I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah!
Selina: Those are hilarious.
Kent: Nature's trapdoor.
S05E02 - Nev-ah-da (Quotes)
Ben: What in the lunatic f**k is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Kent: Little known fact about the Nazis. Their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. (pause) Though also tragic.
Ben: The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.
Bob: Lookie here. Ben Cafferty all grown up. We used to have a million nicknames for this guy. We called him Fatty Dicksuckle and B-B-Benny and the Jizz. Buttf**ker.
Ben: Buttf**ker, that's me. I can't believe you remembered my nickname.
Ben: Ma'am, I don't think right now would be the best time for another banking task force.
Selina: No, I just want to have a quick banking task force.
Ben: With all due respect, ma'am, you know, the banks will still be, you know, raring to go for a task force, you know, when you're safely reelected.
Selina: I'm human, okay? I just I just sometimes need a little banking task force.
Ben: Well, ma'am, if you want, I can arrange a more discreet banking task force.
Selina: I don't want that kind of banking task force. I want the banking task force that I want.
Kent: What about Patty Driscoll from Deutsche Bank? She's very good. Might be nice to throw a woman in the mix.
S05E03 - The Eagle (Quotes)
Mike: The president has always placed great value on fiscal responsibility. In fact, as vice president, she was chairman of the Meyer Postal Commission, which reduced post office debt from 65 billion to just over 62 billion.
Ben: On the less shitty side, people are really loving you and Charlie Baird. Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys.
Selina: Really? The market's up?
Ben: No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.
Sue: Madam President, we have received word that Chinese hackers have now breached the National Security Council servers.
Selina: I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log-ins and passwords? Okay? Save everybody a lot of time.
Bob: Let me just take a meeting with Jim Whitman. And after I'm done dick slapping him, he will have agreed to delay certification.
Selina: Amy, set it up.
Amy: The injunction or the dick slapping?
Selina: Christ, Amy, the meeting.
Selina: Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts.
Catherine: Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.
Selina: Well, then don't use it.
Catherine: But it's a doc.
Selina: A what?
Catherine: A documentary.
Selina: Then say that.
Dan: You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
Amy: Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
Dan: I am not having a good year.
Selina: Gary, I did it the way you showed me to do it.
Gary: But that's not the way I showed you to do...
Selina: That's exactly the way that you showed me to do it.
Gary: Do you want me to show you again?
Selina: I'll tell you what I want you to do. Nothing, okay? That's your punishment. Get out.
Gary: Okay, I'll just go make some tea.
Selina: You better not!
Dan: Yeah, I think you're forgetting something, Amy, is that I still had sex with your sister, so... Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.
Amy: You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.
Bob: Your instincts are telling you you should be strong.
Selina: Yes, you think my instincts are right?
Bob: Does a bear piss in the shower? You should lead.
Selina: I'm the leader.
Bob: You caught the fish, now gut the fish.
Selina: Gut the fish.
Bob: You're wearing the fireman's hat, now put out the fire.
Selina: Yes! This is better than phone sex.
Bob: Well, I just came.
Whitman: And at 6:00 P.M. tomorrow, every vote in this state will be counted and certified.
Richard: Well, not every vote. Funny thing about elections, historically there've always been leftover ballots. Sometimes up to 16 percent end up missing or thrown out.
Whitman: Is that what this is about? I'm so sorry for... The missing ballots in Washoe County. We looked all over for them, came up empty, so best of luck to you. And if you do happen to find as much as one new vote, we'll see you in court.
Richard: Thank you.
Amy: Holy bacon double Asperger's. How did you do that?
Richard: I'm sorry, what? Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say "Meet the Parents" 'cause that's automatically number one.
Amy: (on the phone) Kent, it's Washoe County. Don't ask me how I know.
S05E04 - Mother (Quotes)
Amy: Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry.
Selina: What? What happened?
Amy: What? Your mother. I read on HuffPo that she was in the hospital.
Selina: Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount. Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.
Kent: I don't know if this provides any solace, but ever since your mother's health setback was announced, there has been an outpouring of support...
Kent: ...that has driven up your favorables.
Selina: I'm talking about pulling the plug on my mother here. How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?
Kent: More like double digits.
Jonah: You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
Dan: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
Selina: Ease her passing. Ease it all. Yes. Ease it down the... the... Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States. Please, this is so much to bear.
Gary: Oh, it is, Lord. It is.
Selina: Hear my prayer.
Gary: Hear her prayer.
Selina: Nevada is my state. I'm gonna be president. I'm gonna be the first elected lady president. I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is gonna sing. So you guys have to stop the recount.
Tom James: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Selina:Thank you very much. Thanks for being here, Tom. I appreciate it.
Tom James: I see that Charlie Baird is here.
Selina: Yes. Yeah, he flew in this morning.
Tom James: So who's fisting the American economy while he's here?
Ben: I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.
Selina: Please don't have him sign the guest book.
Ben: Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.
Selina: Why would China go through Qatar?
Ben: Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.
Selina: They're into ass play?
Ben: (licks his finger and holds it up in the air) No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
Selina: I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
(At the funeral)
Ben: Karen couldn't stop the count. We officially lost Nevada, so we're gonna have to fight it out in Congress. And...
Selina: And what? What else?
Ben: With all the new votes going to O'Brien, we've... Kent.
Kent: We lost the popular vote.
Selina: (Begins to cry) Oh, God. Oh, wow.
Ben: I'm so sorry, ma'am. Sorry for your loss. Yeah.
Kent: I grieve with thee.
Selina: (tearful) Thank you Kent.
S05E05 - Thanksgiving (Quotes)
Selina: What are you asking him for? (referring to Gary) He's not a doctor. I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of.
Gary: Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University.
Selina: No, you don't.
Jeff: (Speaking to Kent) Excuse me? You don't give me names, Beardo. I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick. (Referring to Ben)
Jonah: Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do.
Richard: Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that.
Jonah: Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.
Richard: Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.
S05E06 - C**tgate (Quotes)
Jonah: Are you even getting any of this?
Catherine: Getting what?
Jonah: I was looking thoughtfully out the window. Some straight up JFK level shit.
Catherine: I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine.
Richard: Some bands we haven't used have sent some preemptive cease-and-desist orders. Sting, Bruce Springsteen... sent two letters, actually... and Enya.
Jonah: Enya? Send her a f**king cease-and-desist letter.
Ben: I got an idea. You can clear your head out and have a little fun at the same time.
Ben: Yeah, I'll call Jonah and Dan and you can tear them a six-pack of new assholes.
Selina: Oh, that does sound like fun.
(Ben makes the call)
Ben: Dan, you're on with the president.
Selina: Dan, I cannot f**king believe how terrible you are at your job. What, are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?
Dan: Ma'am, we just... we need a little time.
Selina: Put that world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone right now.
Dan: It's the president. (hands the phone to Jonah)
Jonah: Hello, ma'am.
Selina: Hey, hunchback. I don't know what you've been doing instead of trying to win, but I'm gonna guess that it has the word anal in it. Now, you learn to control your co**sucking temper, otherwise I'm gonna come up there myself and I'm gonna shoot you in your f**king mouth.
Ben: Who do you think said it?
Amy: Well, we did. Me and Mike.
Ben: Oh, my God. I thought it was me.
Mike: No way.
Ben: No, I'm pretty sure I called her a c**t to the reporter who broke the story.
Kent: Amy, it's probable that your investigation has already determined that I was the one that called her a c**t. I'm hoping that my utility to the organization gives you reason to protect me on this. Also our friendship.
Gary: Hey, Ben?
Gary: It was me. I called the president the C word.
Ben: No, you didn't.
Gary: I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like, "What an old crone."
Amy: A what?
Gary: An old crone, Amy.
Amy: Gary, C is for c**t.
Amy: We all called her a c**t.
Gary: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you people?
S05E07 - Congressional Ball (Quotes)
Reporter: Mike, the navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore. Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it is in Congresswoman Nickerson's district?
Mike: Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need.
Reporter: Drop the puck?
Mike: Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
Reporter: Mike, question about the president's daughter Catherine. Is it true that...
Mike: Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.
Mike: Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, you know, her condition.
Selina: What? She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
Selina: Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now? And would you please, please try and keep it clean?
Roger Furlong: Madam President, tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party for congressional members and their families. Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach. Ben will keep the offer straight. Kent will keep a running tally. Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires. And once you're all done with them, I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes.
Selina: Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (sighs) Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add?
Tom: No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism.
Buddy: Hi. Carson City, Nevada.
Amy: Ah, Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string.
Buddy: You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.
Amy: Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
Woman: Aren't you Gary Walsh?
Gary: What did I do?
Woman: You've got to come meet my daughter. She saw you in "The Hill." She's single, divorced, has a kid. But he's really a sweetheart.
Gary: Oh, how nice.
(They leave together)
Selina: God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.
Selina: If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a f**king sweatshirt.
Nickerson: Let's cut the shit, Selina.
Selina: Oh, here it is.
Nickerson: All roads through Colorado go through me and the toll just went up.
Selina: You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head f**king hen. 'Cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
Nickerson: Good God.
Selina: So can I count on your vote? Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
S05E08 - Camp David (Quotes)
Jonah: Take the apple, Mrs. Sherman! Reach out and take it. Take the apple.
Man: Mr. Ryan. Mr. Ryan, would you please step back to your podium?
Jonah: She wouldn't take the apple. It was an endearing gesture...
(Selina on the phone To Amy)
Selina: Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?
Selina: So the Chinese are gonna be here any minute.
Selina: Beijing has demanded complete secrecy. So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and Pussy Riot away from me.
Gary: We Meyers are very resourceful.
Selina: You do know you're not really a member of my family, right?
Gary: I do.
Selina: Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?
Marjorie: Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.
Selina: Okay, well, that's terrifying, but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.
Selina: Yeah, I got Marjorie a gift, too. Um, right, Gary?
Selina: Yeah. It's beautiful...
Gary: Stuck in security.
Selina: Stuck in security. I don't know how that happened...
Gary: I got the tracking number.
Selina: This is an American geode, which symbolizes the solid foundation that we have between our two countries. And it sparkles like we hope our conversation will sparkle.
Translater: Thank you for this rock.
Selina: Oh. Um, and this wine from Napa Valley, California. And this additional wine, also from a local vineyard in, uh, New Zealand, which is local to us and it's also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends.
Dan: (on the phone) Ma'am, Jonah shot himself in the foot.
Selina: Oh, my God. What did he do this time?
Dan: No, he literally shot himself in the foot. We're in the ER.
Amy: Turn on CNN, ma'am. It's on right now.
Selina: Turn on the...
Jonah: (on TV) These are the woods where I used to hunt with my stepfather. And he taught me the proper...(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING)
Mike: Jesus! Oh, my God.
Jonah: I'm okay.
Selina: Oh, my God. It's not funny, Ben.
Ben: (still laughing) I know, it's terrible.
Andrew: I know two million sounds like a lot, sweetie. It's not. It's a small price to pay to save the Brazilian rain forest.
Catherine: But aren't you cutting down the rain forest in order to build the resort?
Andrew: So we can conserve the rest. It's a virtuous cycle.
Minna: The Chinese economy is in a worse state than anyone realized. These sanctions, they are really crippling them. And Chi-Jang, he is a proud, stubborn man.
Selina: Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy.
Minna: But stupid also, like a Chinese Mr. Bingley.
Mike: I love Mary Poppins.
Minna: So if the United States lifts the sanctions and is prepared to meet their demands for industrial metals for the next 25 years, the Chinese might... might be prepared to discuss Tibet.
Selina: To bet on what?
Selina: (on the phone) Oh, my God. Congressman Ryan.
Jonah: Hello, Madam President. Or should I call you colleague now? I wouldn't. And I just want to let you know that I, Congressman Jonah Ryan, will personally deliver you the vote that delivers you the presidency.
Selina: That means so much to me.
Jonah: Ma'am, while I have you on the phone, New Hampshire is struggling with an epidemic of opiate addict...
Selina: (hangs up) Yeah, I'm not gonna...
Jonah: New Hampshire, wow. Wow, New Hampshire. Thank you.
(Cut to Dan and Amy)
Dan: Oh, my God. I did this.
Amy: We just elected Jonah to Congress.
(Cut back to Jonah)
Jonah: Looking around, I see so many familiar faces of people that supported me and believed in me. And I see a few that didn't. Like Jessica Thompson. Hey, Jessica. Jessica, I see you there. Yeah, it's been a long time since high school. I like what you did with your hair. Do you like what I did with my life? Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you.(Cut back to Dan and Amy)
Dan: (fearful) Oh, my God, I did this.
Amy: You just elected Jonah to Congress.
(Cut back to Jonah)
Jonah: I'm not the spaz. I think that you are the spaz. But through it all, there was one person who truly believed in Jonah Ryan and that was Jonah Ryan.
S05E09 - Kissing Your Sister (Quotes)
Selina: President Nixon entered the room and, you know, he had his bow tie and his eyebrows. Daddy leaned in to me and he said, "You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, but by God, they respect him. And that's you, peanut."
Tom: Did you ever play sports? Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. A lot of asses in your face.
Bill Erickson: (to Catherine) At night when I dare to close my eyes, I dream about your mother losing and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign at the bottom of a highway exit ramp. Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, serving the president the most abject humiliation in the history of the United States. Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says?
Catherine: What does it say?
Bill Erickson: It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson."
Selina: Well, I'll give you this... Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit.
Amy: Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.
Selina: Why would I want to stand next to a twig like that all day when I can stand next to you?
Selina: (on the phone) Jonah, can you hear me?
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. What you do now you do for your family. You get yourself in there and you vote for me!
Mike: We were really disappointed about the Chinese adoption sanctions. That... but on the bright side, I turned the nursery into a man cave for me. I mean, surround sound, 55-inch television screen. It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out. I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... possibly like it.
Selina: I trust the American people to make the right decision.
Catherine: What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision and they make a different decision and then it completely derails what you thought was gonna happen? And then your plans are different. (starts crying over her breakup with Marjorie)
Selina: Oh, honey, don't cry. Mommy's gonna get elected, honey.
S05E10 - Inauguration (Quotes)
Tom: Vice President Meyer's got a nice familiar ring to it.
Selina: No, it doesn't.
Tom: Vice president, take it or leave it.
Selina: I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.
Kent: Last night I ran a flash poll on presidential scholars. They have rated you the 43rd most effective president ever.
Mike: Out of how many?
Kent: 44. You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War.
Selina: Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?
Kent: Data gives no warning, ma'am
Amy: Any chance Marjorie and Catherine want to get married?
Dan: There you go, first White House lesbian wedding. That'll get you in the history books.
Selina: Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.
Selina: Okay, we've got to make Tibet happen. Go through the Qataris, okay? I bet there are a dozen of them right now at the Georgetown Four Seasons. Go to a Lamborghini dealership, you know? Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.
Selina: Forgive me, President Lu, but I'm afraid I have to go and attend to the vote that is happening right now in our Senate. But feel free to follow along on the television or perhaps on one of the many bugs that you've planted throughout the White House.
Gary: You f**kers. How dare you? That magnificent woman counted on you and you losers let her down.
Dan: (on the phone) Yeah, I got to call you back. Something amazing is happening.
Gary: All you f**king cared about was your stupid, bad selves. Your numbers your numbers are garbage. Your speeches, garbage. And you're supposed to give her advice? Is that right? All I heard was dumb, stupid I don't know what the f**k it was. Garbage?
Gary: Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst. In all the ways. (laughing) Oh, I know I know you make fun of me and I know that you think that I'm funny and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha. Well, at least I cared. I did my job! I f**king cared!
Ben: Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.
Ben: Are you here selling a young adult fiction idea, too? Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.
Kent: Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci-fi premises, e.g., "Star Trek" with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."
Ben: You should try your hand at romance novels.
Kent: I have.
Richard: My auntie used to talk about loneliness like that... We were pretty, pretty close, especially 'cause my mother was so much older. Old enough to be my grandmother, as a matter of fact.
Richard: Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother. Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense. Everybody knew about it but me, too.
Gary: Okay, you listen to me. Listen to me. They can take away your presidency, they can take away your power, they can take away your dignity, but what is the one thing that they cannot take away from you?
Selina: My beauty.
Gary: That's right. Let's go!
Selina: And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?
Laura Montez: Um, well, I grew up right outside of Cleveland, but after, you know, 15 years, I feel like I am 100% New Mexican.
Selina: New Mexican, but not Mexican?
Selina: Why'd you do it, Andrew? I offered you secretary of state.
Doyle: You offered it to everybody in town.
Selina: Your head is so far up Montez's ass. Next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face.
Doyle: Oh. (laughs gleefully)
Selina: That's the truth.
S06E01 - Omaha (Quotes)
Buddy: Reminder Nevada is the Sagebrush State...
Amy: Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-f**kers, 'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century. That's right, I said 20th.
Uber Guy: (to Ben) Here at Uber and in the rest of the world the word Chinaman is considered inappropriate.
Ben: No, no, no. It's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kind of got yellow fev-ah.
Andrew: I got an unofficial lunch with a potential big foreign donor for the Meyer Fund.
Richard: That could get us into trouble down the line.
Andrew: Senor Ocampo is having trouble nudging his visas through, so I called our friends over at the State Department.
Richard: That definitely will.
Buddy: Hey, babe?
Amy: We found a video of a woman who says she did cocaine with Governor Steptoe's wife in college.
Amy: Hey, Purple Mountain's Majesty, we need to put together an attack ad yester-the-f**k-day, so give me five options from "party girl" to "coke whore for c**k," you know?
Buddy: Oh, you know what? I actually went to high school with Kristin Steptoe and she's a lovely gal, so...
Amy: My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick, she would let you f**k the hole in her septum.
S06E02 - Library (Quotes)
Andrew: I have a Pakistani industrialist friend who's interested in donating $20 million if you get his cousin off the no-fly list.
Selina: As long as he promises not to blow up my library, I mean, I don't really give a shit.
Richard: Your undergrad alma mater, Smith College, said they were open to exploring.
Andrew: Just like a Smith girl, open to exploring.
Selina: Lesbians would really know how to run a library, I can tell you that much.
Kent: In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant, table, food, and time will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.
Ben: Jesus, Kent. He's just gotta go to a Laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, a little chit-chat, couple-three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home, and a year later, he's a father. I mean, why do you make it so goddamn complicated?
Jonah: You know, one time, I tried hitting on a girl at a Laundromat. For somebody with broken English, she was real uppity.
Kent: There's your answer.
Regina: Do you remember that night junior year?
Regina: Chardonnay on the quad after Julia Child Day?
Selina: You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl and I always have been, so I never really experimented with Chardonnay. Um, so I think you've got me confused with somebody else.
Regina: I don't think I was confused.
Selina: Good for you.
Selina: Okay, so who's the big swinging dick at this fundraising gang bang tonight?
Andrew: David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million, 1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith.
Selina: Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him.
Jonah's Date: So, luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy, so I got to keep my nipple. Whoo-hoo, right?
Jonah: I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you. That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard. Now I can't, I can't finish my chicken piccata.
Selina: (to Catherine) I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family.
Gary: What? There is zero inbreeding in my family.
Selina: Well, that's not true at all.
Gary: And only case of schizophrenia, but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we're all good now.
S06E03 - Georgia (Quotes)
Selina: Congressman Ryan! I haven't spoken to you since the historic House vote. Yes, I just wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me, and I wanna let you know that I will destroy you in ways that are so creative, they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.
Gary: I went out to get a terry cloth robe and there was this crowd and I asked them where Nordstrom's was and then the next thing I know, they dyed my thumb and an old lady who smelled like cumin wouldn't stop hugging me!
Mike: Mine smelled like paprika.
Murman: I trust I have made myself suitably clear.
Selina: As clear as the coffee table Danny Thomas had his hookers sh** on. It's an American expression. Danny Thomas also founded the St.Jude's Hospital for Children, so.
Murman: Ah, yes, the yin and the yang.
Marjorie: If you could not ejaculate for the next 72 hours, that would be ideal.
Dan: Okay, uh, could we start the clock in, like, 30 minutes? ...actually, no, make it 40. The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first.
Selina: Eat the soup.
Selina: Because I'm hungry. I need to know if it's been poisoned.
Gary: (stammering) I don't wanna do that.
Selina: Just a tiny, tiny taste.
Gary: (nervously slurps some soup) It's delicious.
Gary: (to Mike) Is there anything happening to me?
Mike: I don't think so.
Selina: Oh, it has carrots in it. I'm not gonna eat that.
Minna: What did you think of Nikolai? Can I be uncharacteristically blunt with you? The poison? It did not engorge only his face, if you know what I mean. It also engorged his penis and made it very unusual texture of sea cucumber, so it's great for vaginal orgasms.
Selina: You're just in the middle of what we in America call...
Minna: A difficult situation...
Selina: ...a f**k fog.
Minna: Yes, and that as well. Yeah, in Finland, we call this the fever of the sausage.
S06E04 - Justice (Quotes)
Sherman: Madam President, because of the actions of misguided reformers, our prison system is in grave danger of dropping below 135% occupancy.
Selina: Well, I think that I'm partially to blame for that because I let you out of one.
CNN Commenter: Well, Meyer certainly would be a super left field choice
Selina: Super left field? I mean, is that even a position?
Gary: Mm-hmm, that was my position in Little League.
Richard: I was a pitcher's helper.
Catherine: Maybe we're just doing this wrong. I mean, all these tubes and jars. It just it doesn't feel organic.
Marjorie: Well, we could streamline the process. You could have direct sexual intercourse with the donor.
Dan: That's interesting.
Catherine: I mean, I guess if you think that that would work. I'm willing to try anything.
Dan: Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? Then we'll all get a bite to eat afterwards, you know. See a movie or something. You know, we'll make it nice.
Marjorie: It could be interesting.
Selina: Can we get something for Mr. Walsh, please? Because he's the one who's really ailing and at death's door.
Gary: I'm I am? I'm at death's door? Oh, I'm at death's door? Listen, if I don't make it...
Selina: Gary, you're gonna be fine. You have plenty to live for, too.
Gary: (whimpers) I do?
Selina: Of course! Just think next year, you get to go to my library opening. And you get to buy my book.
Gary: Can't you just give me a copy?
Selina: Well, I can't be giving out free copies of the book 'cause think of the position that that would put me in.
Gary: Oh, I'm sorry.
Selina: This isn't unprecedented either, because President Taft was on the Supreme Court after he was president.
Amy: Yeah, and what's the first thing you remember about him?
Richard: He got stuck in a bathtub?
Selina: No, well, the second thing you remember about him.
Richard: He was buried in a piano case.
Selina: No, that's not right.
Selina: No, my legacy, guys, is me in a robe, taking guns from this guy, giving the death penalty to that guy. And they can't vote me out, right? It's for life. They're gonna have to carry me out of there with the gavel clenched in my cold, dead twat.
Richard: And for the vetting the Judiciary Committee has asked to send them everything that you've ever written on abortion.
Selina: Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere.
Richard: I'll check the freezer.
Jonah: Are you gonna make a campaign contribution or what?
Sherman: You know what? I am.
Jonah: Getting paid, getting laid, son.
Sherman: Congressman Jonah Ryan.
Sherman: Zero dollars and one cent.
Jonah: Hey, Union Leader, come here. Take this down. I'm not gonna suck your dick. The only one who should be sucking your dick is Daylight Savings Time. And I don't give a fuck if that means that some farmer in Kansas has to milk his cow using a fucking flashlight. I've had my own bedtime since I was 17. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now, and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.
Kent: That was all off the record.
S06E05 - Chicklet (Quotes)
Selina: I love this T-shirt, too. It's just so happy and wonderful! (CROWD CHEERING) Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
(walks around the corner)
Selina: Get this T-shirt off of me. I look like I'm trying out for "The Price is Right."
Jonah: I've been underestimated my entire life. Failure to thrive at birth fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade. Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.
Richard: I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! A lot of responsibility.
Marjorie: You just signed away all responsibility.
Richard: I've never done this before.
Marjorie: You just go in the room and...
Richard: Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.
Marjorie: Oh! - You mean masturbate?
Richard: Oh, self-husband. Does it hurt?
Catherine: Oh, no, Richard. It doesn't hurt.
Marjorie: No, but how is that possible?
Richard: Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Catherine: Do you need a minute or?
Richard: No. Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
Catherine: You know what? He has a really good heart.
Richard: I'm sorry, I'm still understanding how the cup comes into play.
Catherine: Oh, you you just have to aim and and what...
Richard: How many of these do I need to fill up?
Catherine: Yeah, no, you just have to do one.
Richard: Just one? Okay. I think that'll be easier. How will I know when I'm done? You know, I'll figure it out. I'll probably figure it out.
Dan: It would be uncharted territory for me. Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess. Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.
Kent: All right, the treasury secretary is meeting with House leadership about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
Jonah: Why do we always have to raise the ceiling?
Ben: So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.
Selina: I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house into the Selina Meyer Presidential Birthplace and Library.
Richard: Just like FDR.
Catherine: But wasn't Mee-Maw living in Palm Beach when you were born?
Selina: Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.
S06E06 - Qatar (Quotes)
Jonah: And plus, the day after Daylight Saving Time, you're all messed up. One time, my mom brought in my breakfast an hour late like an idiot, so I just threw it on the floor and I said, "Mom, if I wanted to eat this, I would've eaten it an hour ago." But it threw off my whole bathroom schedule and I ended up having to poop in a Sunoco bathroom.
Gary: We are surrounded by land mines. You're just like Princess Di. But with a better nose, of course.
Selina: Oh, stop it.
Gary: You are!
Selina: Okay, you know what? Why don't you just go ahead, though?
Gary: Oh, my! Look at those curtains. Where can I get those?
Nyaring: I made them from my husband's death shroud.
Gary: Wow, look at you!
Selina: What a touching tribute, Nyaring.
Nyaring: No, it was a purposeful desecration of the man who beat and raped me.
Selina: Well, they go with everything.
Amy: There seems to be a problem with the plane.
Richard: You know that little animal that Nathan Lane plays in "The Lion King"?
Gary: Oh, I love that guy!
Richard: Uh, so, three of those got caught in the engine.
Selina: Unless you're planning on knitting your semiconductors out of bamboo shoots and panda cock, you're gonna need every ounce of gallium you can get in Sudan.
Lu: Well, there are other sources.
Selina: Rots of ruck with that.
Selina: What happened to the little girl who served us tea? I don't see her.
Nyaring: Oh, she was married to the village elder.
Selina: Well, please send along my congratulations.
S06E07 - Blurb (Quotes)
Amy: (Reading from President Montez's speech) "Selina Meyer didn't just shatter the glass ceiling, she swept up every single shard so that my daughter and your daughters will never even know it existed."
Selina: Well, that just tickles my twat! Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that at my portrait unveiling in English?
Amy: Yeah, in front of 200 of Washington's most important people... and Mike.
Greg Morehouse: We do need a bit more of the presidency in there. I mean, the book ends with you going off to college.
Selina: That's right, yes, and the presidential stuff will be in volume two... "Meyer Ascendant."
Mike: And three... "The Meyer Year."
Greg Morehouse: I get that, and if you wanna stick with this book as is, I completely understand. We're just gonna need our advance back.
Mike: There was an advance?
Selina: Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the sex of my grandchild. This is a human being you're making, not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar.
Marjorie: Birth gender isn't even that relevant. She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready.
Selina: Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?
Jonah: How come you guys got invited and I didn't?
Kent: Because we worked for the president
Ben: ...and didn't cost her the presidency. And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.
Kent: Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine.
Gary: Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you.
Selina: That is true.
Gary: If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress and her head held high, looking stunning, even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add, you can go to the White House tomorrow and forget all about those 15 minutes where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress.
Selina: Wait a minute, what? How do you know that?
Gary: It was in Mike's notes.
Jonah: A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. You're damn right, I did! I shut down the government for wasting our money. I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches. I shut down the post office because everybody just uses email anyway. I shut down NPR because they're a total snoozefest, and they said this shutdown was a bad idea. I shut down the national parks so that your parents will have to take you someplace cool on vacation, like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico. Are there any questions?
Shawnee: The congressman will not be taking any questions.
Jonah: The congressman will not be taking any questions.
S06E08 - Judge (Quotes)
Selina: Oh, Kentucky fried Christ! It's like Satan's humidor out here. My God! Flying a thousand miles to Alabama. I mean, is anyone as shocked as I am that I'm doing this?
Richard: Well, I'm easily shocked, so probably not the best person to ask.
Leon: Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years?
Mike: Not at all. I mean, truth is I don't even get 'em anymore. I just read the news on my phone. It's so much better and it's free.
Amy: Ma'am, I really think that we need to discuss my doing something other than the library. It's just...
Selina: Do you have any social skills whatsoever? I mean, my God, Amy, we're in the middle of visiting with what's-his-ass's family here.
Selina: Wow, no wonder I couldn't carry the South. I mean, none of the polling research mentioned a dead son's ghost crib.
Gary: The ghost is gone. I mean, at least we think it's gone. Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just Mama.
Candi: Ma'am, will you be okay with Congressman Ryan... alone?
Jonah: She'll what? She'll be fine!
Montez: Actually, why don't you stay, Candi?
Jonah: Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president.
Montez: I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president?
Jonah: Of course I'm not. Why would I say I would?
Montez: Why would you say you wouldn't?
Jonah: Because I wouldn't!
Montez: I think maybe your people should come in, too.
Ben: What did he do, ma'am?
Jonah: Nothing! I didn't do anything!
Montez: Well, he threatened to not rape the president.
Jonah: Yeah, that's not a threat, that's a promise.
Montez: (to Jonah) Congressman, first of all, let me congratulate you. You have accomplished more in one month than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime.
Jonah: That's very kind of you to say, ma'am.
Amy: Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, we would be working at the White House right now instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop in which I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed or get their a**holes licked.
S06E09 - A Woman First (Quotes)
Jonah: I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy? I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys.
Shawnee: I thought that was you.
Jonah: No, I'm pretty sure it was him.
Kent: It was you.
Selina: This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine! Who despises me like this?!
Amy: Well, there's President Montez, Tom James...
Mike: The White House maids, the steward...
Richard: White working class voters...
Gary: Nobody! Everybody loves you!
Selina: What do you want?
Leon: I think the Pulitzer I'm going to get from this is good enough for me, so good evening.
Selina: You can have Amy.
Leon: Wait, I don't understand.
Selina: You can have her. (raises eyebrows) Probably better from behind, though, you know.
Doctor: If you notice any swelling, let me know, and no erection for six weeks.
Jonah: Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot "shiska" nurse.
Doctor: I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa.
Shawnee: Jonah, I have been thinking, um, you know, I think I wanna slow things down with us.
Jonah: Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My teachers had to do that all the time.
Shawnee: No, with us you and me.
Shawnee: I've been having doubts for a little while.
Jonah: What do you mean a little while? What the fuck does that even mean? Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?
S06E10 - Groundbreaking (Quotes)
Richard: I mean, you could petition for a recall if they weren't unconstitutional.
Jonah: Wait, can I petition for a recall against Ezra?
Richard: Unequivocally, no.
Jonah: That's a great idea. That's awesome.
Amy: Now the staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling.
Selina: Exactly what it's like to be a woman.
Amy: Yes, and they're working on the engineering. They said it's a little unstable.
Selina: Yeah, also what it's like to be a woman.
Selina: Marjorie! What do you think?
Marjorie: It looks like a vagina, ma'am.
Selina: See? Okay, that's from an expert. You know, this is what I said in the beginning.
Gary: I'm not seeing that.
Selina: Well, you don't have any frame of reference.
Gary: What if you trim the topiary around the edge? That could help.
Selina: Nobody's gonna trim the topiary. I'm not a porn star.
Gary: You could be, but you chose politics.
Catherine: Mom, I'm so glad my doctor cleared me to come today.
Selina: But you gotta be careful with that McLintock cervix of yours.
Marjorie: Oh, it's incompetent cervix, ma'am.
Selina: That's what I said, Marjorie.
Jonah: Two years ago, I stood right here in my old high school gym where I was chosen for many, many sports teams, surrounded by my family and my my friends to seek your support for Congress as the ultimate insider's outsider. And if there's one thing that you should know about me, Washington insiders, they didn't like me very much. So let's send them a message by shoving the guy that they hate the most right back in their faces. I am announcing my exploratory committee for the Presidency of the United States of America, which basically means I'm definitely running. God bless New Hampshire. God bless the United States of America and Puerto Rico if they can vote for president And God bless Jonah Ryan.
Mike: (school bell rings) Okay, perfect. Remember, three branches of government Judiciary, legislative, and there's a third. And if you wanna know something about government, watch this film "Air Force One." It's a good movie. Shows you what a president can do. Nice to meet you, and I'll see you guys Wednes... Tuesday.