S03E10 - New Hampshire

No: 28  |   Season: 3   Episode:  |   Air Date: 8-Jun-14  

 God, can God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?


While Selina balances her unexpected Presidency with the New Hampshire primary, Dan pushes Jonah to take the blame for a catastrophic media revelation.

Director and Writers

Director: Chris Addison
Story by: Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche
Teleplay by: Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche


Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Selina: Yes.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.
Amy: Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Selina: Those f**kers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.
Amy: The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...

Sue: Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
Selina: No. Stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch c**k.

(whilst flying on Airforce One)
Dan: Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the f**k out of us in the polls.
Selina: Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history.
Mike: Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency... No, that won't happen. (beat) isn't this plane amazing?
Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?

Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Ben: What?
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.
Selina: But I am asking you that.
Ben: It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year, and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Ben: Yeah.
Selina: So guess what. I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.

Selina: I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? (All agree) Any f**k-up from now on is not just a f**k-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No f**k-ups!

Mike: It's good we won Dixville Notch.
Dan: It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike: I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Gary: Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Ben: Well, he didn't win New Hampshire either.

Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: (looking around) I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn't telling you what I told you. (points to Dan) The f**k stops here, Dan.

Amy: (regarding Richard and Kelly) I think they were deprived of fresh air at birth.

Jonah: Dan! What the f**k is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
Jonah: I publically denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Dan: Ooh, wow.
Jonah: There's one of me f**kin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.

Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Dan: Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Jonah: Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
Dan: No. That's that's impossible.
Jonah: Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.
Dan: Oh, you want a Jonah?
Jonah: Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f**k that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
Dan: Shit! I gotta go.
Jonah: You know what? They should be called Dans.

Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to f**k 'em, too. God, I would love to f**k a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can f**k anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.

Amy: Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
Selina: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.

Notes and Trivia

When Gary and Selina are laughing hysterically at the news that Selina will become president, Selina searches through Gary's bag and finds a book titled "Bicycles." Selina asks Gary, "Why is there a bicycle book?" Gary's response is, "I love bicycles!" Hovever it should be noted, the book is actually a poetry collection, not an actual bicycle book.




StarringJulia Louis-DreyfusSelina Meyer
StarringAnna ChlumskyAmy Brookheimer
StarringTony HaleGary Walsh
StarringReid ScottDan Egan
StarringTimothy SimonsJonah Ryan
StarringMatt WalshMike McLintock
StarringKevin DunnBen Cafferty
StarringSufe BradshawSue Wilson
Guest StarringGary ColeKent Davison
Guest StarringRandall ParkDanny Chung
Guest StarringPhil ReevesAndrew Doyle
Guest StarringSam RichardsonRichard Splett
Guest StarringSarah SutherlandCatherine Meyer
Guest StarringGlenn WrageJoe Thornhill
Co-StarringAaron Miller
Co-StarringJulie MunFemale Staffer
Co-StarringSean Murphy
Co-StarringRichard Pelzman
Co-StarringRichard Pilcher
Co-StarringDana PowellKelly
Co-StarringJon Douglas RaineyOfficial Photographer
Co-StarringFrank Root
Co-StarringBarbara RosenblatDiane Appleby
Co-StarringRegen WilsonPress Guy #2
Co-StarringRobin ZerbeNH Campaign Staffer