S05E01 - Morning After

No: 39  |   Season: 5   Episode:  |   Air Date: 24-Apr-16  

DidnDidn't those founding f**kers ever hear of an odd number?


On the day after the election Selina thinks she's found a path to victory. Meanwhile, Catherine starts making a behind-the-scenes documentary; Amy isn't sure if she's back on the team; Dan mulls a new career; and Mike and Wendy plan to adopt a baby from China.

Director and Writers

Director: Chris Addison
Story by: David Mandel
Teleplay by:


Selina: As it turned out, there's a virtually unprecedented tie in the electoral college, a somewhat arcane institution that many scholars believe we should do away with.

Ben: Fantastic speech, ma'am. The three Ss strength, stability and bullshit.
Selina: I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club.

Selina: Didn't those founding f**kers ever hear of an odd number?
Ben: Two great Greek contributions to society democracy and getting f**ked up the ass.
Selina: I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

Gary: My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.
Selina: Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

Selina: Please, Catherine, stop with the whining, all right? You're gonna shatter the bulletproof glass in here.

Ben: Starting right after we address the situation in Yemen.
Selina: Honey, it's Yemen. Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemenade.

Selina: No, there's not gonna be a film. The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake.

Selina: Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way.
Ben: Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death.
Selina: Oh, even better.

Mike: I'm gonna be a dad.
Selina: You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. There is no time for some Chinese baby. Cancel it and see if you can get your money back.
Ben: Fortune cookie say you f**k up big-time, round eye.

Mike: Counting my steps.
Selina: Too bad you're not counting your missteps.

Ben: There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy f**king Roosevelt.
Ben: You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Sue: Madam President, Chinese hackers breached an NSA firewall earlier this morning.
Selina: Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?

Director of the Secret Service: Since you became president, we have been looking for a new lead agent for your detail.
Selina: Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart from the discolored tooth. But that's obviously not a reason to replace him.
Gary: Can they replace the tooth?

Selina: Kent. You already lost Nevada for me once.
Kent: 'Nev-add-a'.

Jonah: This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit. How dare she put you in charge of me?
Richard: It's an outrage is what it is.
Jonah: It is an outrage, you know? She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles.
Richard: I don't think that's what happens.

Selina: Gary, this is taking longer than it did for them to paint my f**king pool house.

Ben: (Referring to Selina's pimple) It's looking a little worse.
Amy: Wherever you stand in the room, it's still looking at you.

Ben: The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day... It's the f**king pimple. Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street.

Ben: Panic from the recount led to a huge sell-off and the market is so overmargined, blammo. They're already calling it Black Wednesday.
Selina: Jesus, it's only Wednesday?

Selina: What we have to do is hang a bell on this guy. He's completely off book.
Kent: No, ma'am, I think that means that he's learned all his lines and he no longer needs a script.
Selina: No, he's off book.
Sue: Off the hook?
Selina: No, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do.
Ben: You mean off the rails.
Selina: Fine, he's off the rails.
Amy: Well, let's make Tom economy czar.
Selina: Yeah. We'll czar him. That'll give him something to do.

Ben: Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter account for the pimple. It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States.

Amy: Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it.
Dan: Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

Selina: I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sargent "Suck It" Shriver.

Selina: You can get rid of this Skittle that's embedded in my face.
Gary: She's also got a mole near her Spanx line and it's hidden...
Selina: Yeah, and this thing up my ass has got to get removed, too.

Selina: I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters?
Ben: I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah!
Selina: Those are hilarious.
Kent: Nature's trapdoor.

Selina: Every difficult conversation starts with a sentence.

Selina: What the f**k is going on here? Why are they all white?
Ben: Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.

Ben: We need to round up some blacks and fast.
Assistant: (On the radio) We need to round up...
Ben: Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Selina: Wow, he looks puffy on TV. Well, prison will get him in shape.

Notes and Trivia

Morgan Smith, who played Candi Caruso, is better known as "Red", the Wendy's spokesperson.


In the scene after Selina's speech, the onscreen CNN headline reads: "Fourth largest market drop ever as President address nation." The word "address" should probably read "addresses".


StarringJulia Louis-DreyfusSelina Meyer
StarringAnna ChlumskyAmy Brookheimer
StarringTony HaleGary Walsh
StarringReid ScottDan Egan
StarringTimothy SimonsJonah Ryan
StarringMatt WalshMike McLintock
StarringKevin DunnBen Cafferty
StarringSufe BradshawSue Wilson
StarringGary ColeKent Davison
StarringSam RichardsonRichard Splett
Guest StarringHugh LaurieTom James
Guest StarringScott Adsit
Guest StarringEvan ArnoldWhite House Reporter #5
Guest StarringDiedrich Bader
Guest StarringCraig CackowskiCliff
Guest StarringClea Duvall
Guest StarringNigel Gibbs
Guest StarringPeter Grosz
Guest StarringPhil Reeves
Guest StarringSarah Sutherland
Guest StarringWayne Wilderson
Co-StarringBonnie BentleyStaffer
Co-StarringTodd Aaron Brotze
Co-StarringBrendan Caleb CaltonTV Tech
Co-StarringNick CliffordEvent Coordinator
Co-StarringStephen Decordova
Co-StarringNick Fontaine
Co-StarringMegan Grano
Co-StarringMatt GulbransonSecret Service Agent #1
Co-StarringDeb HiettWhite House Reporter #1
Co-StarringBrian Michael JonesSecret Service Agent #2
Co-StarringRoss Mackenzie
Co-StarringMorgan SmithCandi
Co-StarringAndrew ThacherWhite Man #1
Co-StarringUrsula WhittakerWhite Woman #1
Co-StarringG. Maximilian ZarouHotel Manager