S05E03 - The Eagle

No: 41  |   Season: 5   Episode:  |   Air Date: 8-May-16  

Just let me win the Presidency for you, and then you can land Air Force One on the strip and piss in CaesarJust let me win the Presidency for you, and then you can land Air Force One on the strip and piss in Caesar's fountain if you want.


Selina continues to date Charlie Baird, however Gary seems to be getting as much attention from Charlie as Selina does. Meanwhile, thinking she was using messaging, Selina publically tweets private information to Charlie. As a cover-up, they blame Chinese hackers for the tweets. Amy goes from a general feeling of be usurped by Bob "The Eagle" Bradley to a more specific fear that he is losing it. She tries to warn Selina, but is not heard until Bob just gets up and leaves during a crucial meeting. Meanwhile, Richard stumbles upon crucial information regarding missing ballots in Nevada.

Director and Writers

Director: Chris Addison
Story by: Steve Koren
Teleplay by:


Bob: Just let me win the Presidency for you, and then you can land Air Force One on the strip and piss in Caesar's fountain if you want.
Selina: Come on please Bob, I would never stay at Caesars.

Mike: The president has always placed great value on fiscal responsibility. In fact, as vice president, she was chairman of the Meyer Postal Commission, which reduced post office debt from 65 billion to just over 62 billion.

Ben: On the less shitty side, people are really loving you and Charlie Baird. Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys.
Selina: Really? The market's up?
Ben: No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.

Sue: Madam President, we have received word that Chinese hackers have now breached the National Security Council servers.
Selina: I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log-ins and passwords? Okay? Save everybody a lot of time.

Mike: Ma'am, the FDA is monitoring a salmonella outbreak at a Missouri chicken farm. Got a few fowl questions.

Selina: Charlie says O'Brien won't go down on his wife without biscuits and gravy.

Selina: Certification is tomorrow. I mean, seriously, do we have any reason to think that we're not as f**ked as a Senate page here?

Bob: Let me just take a meeting with Jim Whitman. And after I'm done dick slapping him, he will have agreed to delay certification.
Selina: Amy, set it up.
Amy: The injunction or the dick slapping?
Selina: Christ, Amy, the meeting.

Ben: Ma'am, weekly CIA briefing.
Selina: See? Crapistan's calling. That's what I'm talking about.

Selina: Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts.
Catherine: Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.
Selina: Well, then don't use it.
Catherine: But it's a doc.
Selina: A what?
Catherine: A documentary.
Selina: Then say that.

Dan: You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
Amy: Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
Dan: I am not having a good year.

Mike: I'm back on food. Doctor says the cleanse caused no lasting damage.

Kent: The President is tweeting.
Mike: (panicked) She's tweeting?

Selina: Gary, I did it the way you showed me to do it.
Gary: But that's not the way I showed you to do...
Selina: That's exactly the way that you showed me to do it.
Gary: Do you want me to show you again?
Selina: I'll tell you what I want you to do. Nothing, okay? That's your punishment. Get out.
Gary: Okay, I'll just go make some tea.
Selina: You better not!

Ben: Maybe the White House computers aren't as secure as we think. Maybe the firewalls have more holes in them than a gold digger's diaphragm.
Selina: My God, I hated those things.

Selina: So is that what I think happened? That China tweeted this?
Ben: Oh, no, ma'am, no. You have no idea what happened.

Selina: I mean, can I really blame another country for something they didn't do?
Ben: It's been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish American War.

Dan: Yeah, I think you're forgetting something, Amy, is that I still had sex with your sister, so... Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.
Amy: You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.

Bob: Your instincts are telling you you should be strong.
Selina: Yes, you think my instincts are right?
Bob: Does a bear piss in the shower? You should lead.
Selina: I'm the leader.
Bob: You caught the fish, now gut the fish.
Selina: Gut the fish.
Bob: You're wearing the fireman's hat, now put out the fire.
Selina: Yes! This is better than phone sex.
Bob: Well, I just came.

Selina: All right, Amy, this meeting cannot make it past the School Book Depository.
Amy: I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor.

Voice Message: (singing) This is Richard Splett and I'm here to say. You should leave a message for me every day.

Whitman: And at 6:00 P.M. tomorrow, every vote in this state will be counted and certified.
Richard: Well, not every vote. Funny thing about elections, historically there've always been leftover ballots. Sometimes up to 16 percent end up missing or thrown out.
Whitman: Is that what this is about? I'm so sorry for... The missing ballots in Washoe County. We looked all over for them, came up empty, so best of luck to you. And if you do happen to find as much as one new vote, we'll see you in court.
Richard: Thank you.
Amy: Holy bacon double Asperger's. How did you do that?
Richard: I'm sorry, what? Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say "Meet the Parents" 'cause that's automatically number one.
Amy: (on the phone) Kent, it's Washoe County. Don't ask me how I know.

Selina: So what did I miss?
Charlie Baird: We just heard a lovely story about the Queen of England.
Selina: She's a f*cking c**t. You didn't hear it from me.

Notes and Trivia





StarringJulia Louis-DreyfusSelina Meyer
StarringAnna ChlumskyAmy Brookheimer
StarringTony HaleGary Walsh
StarringReid ScottDan Egan
StarringTimothy SimonsJonah Ryan
StarringMatt WalshMike McLintock
StarringKevin DunnBen Cafferty
StarringSufe BradshawSue Wilson
StarringGary ColeKent Davison
StarringSam RichardsonRichard Splett
Guest StarringDan BakkedahlRoger Furlong
Guest StarringMartin MullBob Bradley
Guest StarringJohn SlatteryCharlie Baird
Guest StarringRose Abdoo
Guest StarringEvan ArnoldWH Reporter #5
Guest StarringCraig CackowskiCliff
Guest StarringClea DuvallMarjorie Palmiotti
Guest StarringBrad LelandBill O'Brien
Guest StarringNelson FranklinWill
Guest StarringKathy NajimyWendy Keegan
Guest StarringAndrea SavageLaura Montez
Guest StarringSarah SutherlandCatherine Meyer
Guest StarringLennon ParhamKaren Collins
Guest StarringWayne WildersonWayne
Guest StarringHarris YulinJames Whitman
Co-StarringCarlos Acuna
Co-StarringP.J. BrownPhil
Co-StarringJill Donnelly
Co-StarringJanelle FroehlichStewardess
Co-StarringChris GameMaitre D'
Co-StarringMegan Grano
Co-StarringMike Hernandez
Co-StarringTim Meinelschmidt
Co-StarringLaurie Perez
Co-StarringKeith Sellon-Wright
Co-StarringWarren SweeneyChairman Steve O'Brien
Co-StarringErica Vittina PhillipsMaitre D' #2