S05E04 - Mother

No: 42  |   Season: 5   Episode:  |   Air Date: 15-May-16  

I'm going to be President. I'm going to be the first elected lady President. I'm going to have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is going to sing. So, you guys have to stop the recount.

Summary

Selina rushes to the hospital while attempting to win the presidency. Amy and Dan discover the O'Brien camp has staged a fake protest, and task Jonah and Richard with organizing their own pro-POTUS demonstration. Mike and Wendy meet with a potential surrogate.

Director and Writers

Director: Dale Stern
Story by: Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck
Teleplay by:

Quotes

Selina: Honey, if I wanted to talk to an unconscious person, I'd book a spot on Charlie Rose

Mike: Apparently they shut the turbines off if the wind speeds are too high.
Selina: Is it too late to turn them into oil derricks?

Selina: She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.
Gary: It's true.
Selina:She's like that guy... that guy...
Gary: Lazarus.
Selina: Rasputin.

Amy: Can you tell Huey, Louey and Rapey that it's stop the count now, and not count every vote.

Selina: Katherine, you are forbidden from saying the words Tim McGraw ever again.

Amy: Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry.
Selina: What? What happened?
Amy: What? Your mother. I read on HuffPo that she was in the hospital.
Selina: Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount. Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.

Selina: I'm going to be President. I'm going to be the first elected lady President. I'm going to have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is going to sing. So, you guys have to stop the recount.

Selina: She's a smart one. You can maybe pick up something from her.

Kent: I don't know if this provides any solace, but ever since your mother's health setback was announced, there has been an outpouring of support...
Selina: Oh.
Kent: ...that has driven up your favorables.
Selina: I'm talking about pulling the plug on my mother here. How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?
Kent: More like double digits.
Selina: Really?

Selina: Now what I need is a quiet place to think that doesn't have Mike's stupid face in it.

Jonah: You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
Dan: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

Richard: What do we want? To get the votes counted. When do we want it? Hopefully before the deadline.

Selina: Do you pray?
Gary: A lot.
Selina: What do you pray for?
Gary: You, you know...

Selina: Ease her passing. Ease it all. Yes. Ease it down the... the... Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States. Please, this is so much to bear.
Gary: Oh, it is, Lord. It is.
Selina: Hear my prayer.
Gary: Hear her prayer.

Selina: Mee-Maw didn't know you weren't here, honey. She's brain dead. Baby doll, she was brain dead. We got good news about Nevada. (laughs)

Selina: Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride! ...a sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.

Selina: Nevada is my state. I'm gonna be president. I'm gonna be the first elected lady president. I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is gonna sing. So you guys have to stop the recount.

Selina: You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
Ben: Yeah, I'm on it, though I think the DJ already spent the deposit.

(Watching Jonah and Richard protest on television)
Selina: (sighs) Maybe I'll get assassinated.

Tom James: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Selina:Thank you very much. Thanks for being here, Tom. I appreciate it.
Tom James: I see that Charlie Baird is here.
Selina: Yes. Yeah, he flew in this morning.
Tom James: So who's fisting the American economy while he's here?

Catherine: Please let me play the Tim McGraw song. Okay? I have it all cued up.
Selina: Seriously, Catherine, this is a funeral, not a NASCAR race.

Ben: I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.
Selina: Please don't have him sign the guest book.
Ben: Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.
Selina: Why would China go through Qatar?
Ben: Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.
Selina: They're into ass play?
Ben: (licks his finger and holds it up in the air) No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
Selina: I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

(At the funeral)
Ben: Karen couldn't stop the count. We officially lost Nevada, so we're gonna have to fight it out in Congress. And...
Selina: And what? What else?
Ben: With all the new votes going to O'Brien, we've... Kent.
Kent: We lost the popular vote.
Selina: (Begins to cry) Oh, God. Oh, wow.
Ben: I'm so sorry, ma'am. Sorry for your loss. Yeah.
Selina: Okay.
Kent: I grieve with thee.
Selina: (tearful) Thank you Kent.

Notes and Trivia

Lauren Bowles, who played Monica, is Julia Louis-Dreyfus' half-sister (on her mother's side). She has also appeared with Louis-Dreyfus in programs such as "Seinfeld" as a waitress in the diner, "he New Adventures of Old Christine" and "Watching Ellie".

Goofs

None

Cast