S05E07 - Congressional Ball

No: 45  |   Season: 5   Episode:  |   Air Date: 5-Jun-16  


At the White House Christmas party, Selina bargains for votes in hopes of breaking the election tie. Meanwhile, the staff is preoccupied with the annual "50 Hottest D.C. Staffers" list; Mike eyes a job outside politics; and Dan helps Jonah with debate prep in New Hampshire.

Director and Writers

Director: Maurice Marable
Story by: Billy Kimball
Teleplay by:


Reporter: Mike, the navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore. Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it is in Congresswoman Nickerson's district?
Mike: Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need.
Reporter: Drop the puck?
Mike: Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
Reporter: Mike, question about the president's daughter Catherine. Is it true that...
Mike: Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.

Mike: Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, you know, her condition.
Selina: What? She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

Jonah: How am I not on "The Hill's" 50 Hottest Staffers list this year?
Dan: This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.

Selina: Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now? And would you please, please try and keep it clean?
Roger Furlong: Madam President, tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party for congressional members and their families. Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach. Ben will keep the offer straight. Kent will keep a running tally. Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires. And once you're all done with them, I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes.
Selina: Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (sighs) Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add?
Tom: No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism.

Ben: Yes?
Mike: I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me.
Ben: Not today.

Jonah: As the late, great Lionel Richie once said, "Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling."
Dan: Okay, A: Lionel Richie is not dead, and B: what the f**k does that even mean?

Jonah: It's my personality that has gotten us this far.
Jeff: No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.

Selina: Are you wearing cologne?
Gary: A little.
Selina: (sniffs) Smells like birdseed.

Buddy: Hi. Carson City, Nevada.
Amy: Ah, Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string.
Buddy: You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.
Amy: Night's still young. Knock yourself out.

Woman: Aren't you Gary Walsh?
Gary: What did I do?
Woman: You've got to come meet my daughter. She saw you in "The Hill." She's single, divorced, has a kid. But he's really a sweetheart.
Gary: Oh, how nice.
(They leave together)
Selina: God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.

Selina: If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a f**king sweatshirt.
Nickerson: Let's cut the shit, Selina.
Selina: Oh, here it is.
Nickerson: All roads through Colorado go through me and the toll just went up.
Selina: You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head f**king hen. 'Cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
Nickerson: Good God.
Selina: So can I count on your vote? Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
(Gary groans)

Notes and Trivia





StarringJulia Louis-DreyfusSelina Meyer
StarringAnna ChlumskyAmy Brookheimer
StarringTony HaleGary Walsh
StarringReid ScottDan Egan
StarringTimothy SimonsJonah Ryan
StarringMatt WalshMike McLintock
StarringKevin DunnBen Cafferty
StarringSufe BradshawSue Wilson
StarringGary ColeKent Davison
StarringSam RichardsonRichard Splett
Guest StarringDan BakkedahlRoger Furlong
Guest StarringHugh LaurieTom James
Guest StarringPatton OswaltTeddy Sykes
Guest StarringDiedrich BaderBill Ericsson
Guest StarringK CallanJudy Sherman
Guest StarringClea DuVallMarjorie Palmiotti
Guest StarringTroy Evans
Guest StarringNelson FranklinWill
Guest StarringPhil LaMarrPaul Graves
Guest StarringPeter MacNicolJeff Kane
Guest StarringRod McLachlan
Guest StarringSeth MorrisBill Jaeger
Guest StarringMatt ObergBuddy Calhoun
Guest StarringZak OrthJim Owens
Guest StarringDavid RascheJim Marwood
Guest StarringSarah SutherlandCatherine Meyer
Guest StarringConcetta TomeiConnie DiBenedetto
Guest StarringStephnie WeirPenny Nickerson
Co-StarringDave Anthony
Co-StarringMichael EdwinCongressman Baxter
Co-StarringMegan GranoDonna
Co-StarringPhil HawnCongressman Baines
Co-StarringLauren PotterPolly
Co-StarringMorgan SmithCandi Caruso
Co-StarringTerrie Snell
Co-StarringJames WongJim
Co-StarringMaria ZyrianovaNadia