S05E08 - Camp David

No: 46  |   Season: 5   Episode:  |   Air Date: 12-Jun-16  

You do know youYou do know you're not really a member of my family, right?


Selina takes Catherine to a family pre-Christmas celebration at Camp David, where her team also plans to conduct secret negotiations. After a disastrous debate in New Hampshire, Amy and Dan try to make Jonah seem more human.

Director and Writers

Director: Becky Martin
Story by: Rachel Axler
Teleplay by:


Jonah: Take the apple, Mrs. Sherman! Reach out and take it. Take the apple.
Man: Mr. Ryan. Mr. Ryan, would you please step back to your podium?
Jonah: She wouldn't take the apple. It was an endearing gesture...
(Selina on the phone To Amy)
Selina: Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?

Selina: He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.

Selina: So the Chinese are gonna be here any minute.
Gary: Yeah.
Selina: Beijing has demanded complete secrecy. So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and Pussy Riot away from me.
Gary: We Meyers are very resourceful.
Selina: You do know you're not really a member of my family, right?
Gary: I do.

Catherine: I just wanted to let you know that Marjorie is a raw food vegan and she's turned me into one.
Selina: Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.

Selina: Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?
Marjorie: Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.
Selina: Okay, well, that's terrifying, but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.

Selina: (to Kent) What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett?

Kent: And as per usual, we raised the issue of the Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama returning to Tibet.
Selina: Dalai Lama, I'm so sick of him.
Gary: He's insufferable.

Selina: (referring to Minna Hakkinen) How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?

Jeff: Hey, Slick. What's Blondie's situation? Does she choke for Coke?
Dan: You should ask her.

Selina: Yeah, I got Marjorie a gift, too. Um, right, Gary?
Gary: Yeah.
Selina: Yeah. It's beautiful...
Gary: Stuck in security.
Selina: Stuck in security. I don't know how that happened...
Gary: I got the tracking number.

Selina: This is an American geode, which symbolizes the solid foundation that we have between our two countries. And it sparkles like we hope our conversation will sparkle.
Translater: Thank you for this rock.
Selina: Oh. Um, and this wine from Napa Valley, California. And this additional wine, also from a local vineyard in, uh, New Zealand, which is local to us and it's also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends.

Dan: (on the phone) Ma'am, Jonah shot himself in the foot.
Selina: Oh, my God. What did he do this time?
Dan: No, he literally shot himself in the foot. We're in the ER.
Amy: Turn on CNN, ma'am. It's on right now.
Selina: Turn on the...
Jonah: (on TV) These are the woods where I used to hunt with my stepfather. And he taught me the proper...(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING)
Mike: Jesus! Oh, my God.
Jonah: I'm okay.
Ben: (laughing)
Selina: Oh, my God. It's not funny, Ben.
Ben: (still laughing) I know, it's terrible.

Judy Sherman: Jonah shot himself in the eye with a rubber band in second grade. I tell him now what I told him then... guns can be dangerous.

Selina: So lay it on me. How bad is it?
Amy: (talking about Jonah's injury) It's a complicated fracture. Shattered some bone. They say it's gonna take...
Selina: No, not for him, for me.

Andrew: I know two million sounds like a lot, sweetie. It's not. It's a small price to pay to save the Brazilian rain forest.
Catherine: But aren't you cutting down the rain forest in order to build the resort?
Andrew: So we can conserve the rest. It's a virtuous cycle.

Selina: (referring to Catherine) Even labor and delivery with her was a nightmare.
Minna: Oh, yes? Why is that? You have a very narrow vagina?
Selina: Well, tight. In the States we say tight.

Minna: The Chinese economy is in a worse state than anyone realized. These sanctions, they are really crippling them. And Chi-Jang, he is a proud, stubborn man.
Selina: Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy.
Minna: But stupid also, like a Chinese Mr. Bingley.
Mike: I love Mary Poppins.

Minna: So if the United States lifts the sanctions and is prepared to meet their demands for industrial metals for the next 25 years, the Chinese might... might be prepared to discuss Tibet.
Selina: To bet on what?

Ben: Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses.
Selina: That is like some man on the moon legacy shit. My God, Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet!

Selina: F**k those factories, man. I'm freeing Tibet!

Selina: (on the phone) Oh, my God. Congressman Ryan.
Jonah: Hello, Madam President. Or should I call you colleague now? I wouldn't. And I just want to let you know that I, Congressman Jonah Ryan, will personally deliver you the vote that delivers you the presidency.
Selina: That means so much to me.
Jonah: Ma'am, while I have you on the phone, New Hampshire is struggling with an epidemic of opiate addict...
Selina: (hangs up) Yeah, I'm not gonna...

Jeff: I can elect anyone in New Hampshire. I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist f**king AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it governor of New Hampshire.

Jonah: New Hampshire, wow. Wow, New Hampshire. Thank you.
(Cut to Dan and Amy)
Dan: Oh, my God. I did this.
Amy: We just elected Jonah to Congress.
(Cut back to Jonah)
Jonah: Looking around, I see so many familiar faces of people that supported me and believed in me. And I see a few that didn't. Like Jessica Thompson. Hey, Jessica. Jessica, I see you there. Yeah, it's been a long time since high school. I like what you did with your hair. Do you like what I did with my life? Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you.(Cut back to Dan and Amy)
Dan: (fearful) Oh, my God, I did this.
Amy: You just elected Jonah to Congress.
(Cut back to Jonah)
Jonah: I'm not the spaz. I think that you are the spaz. But through it all, there was one person who truly believed in Jonah Ryan and that was Jonah Ryan.

Notes and Trivia





StarringJulia Louis-DreyfusSelina Meyer
StarringAnna ChlumskyAmy Brookheimer
StarringTony HaleGary Walsh
StarringReid ScottDan Egan
StarringTimothy SimonsJonah Ryan
StarringMatt WalshMike McLintock
StarringKevin DunnBen Cafferty
StarringSufe BradshawSue Wilson
StarringGary ColeKent Davison
StarringSam RichardsonRichard Splett
Guest StarringTzi MaLu Chi-Jang
Guest StarringScott AdsitGreg
Guest StarringDiedrich BaderBill Ericsson
Guest StarringLauren BowlesMonica
Guest StarringK CallanJudy Sherman
Guest StarringClea DuVallMarjorie Palmiotti
Guest StarringNancy LenehanMrs. Ryan
Guest StarringRaymond MaZhang Shengxi
Guest StarringPeter MacNicolJeff Kane
Guest StarringDavid PasquesiAndrew Meyer
Guest StarringSally PhillipsMinna H
Guest StarringSarah SutherlandCatherine Meyer
Co-StarringLee ChenFemale Translator
Co-StarringTony LamXiao Jintong