S06E05 - Chicklet

No: 53  |   Season: 6   Episode:  |   Air Date: 14-May-2017  

Trust me Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad.

Summary

Selina settles on a location for her presidential library. Dan lands in a gossip column. Mike and Selina work on her book. Jonah tries to cement a big donation. Gary manages a mini-crisis at Madame Tussauds.

Director and Writers

Director: Beth McCarthy-Miller
Story by: Gabrielle Allan, Jennifer Crittenden
Teleplay by:

Quotes

Selina: Every president since FDR has had a goddamn library, okay? Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.

Selina: I love this T-shirt, too. It's just so happy and wonderful! (CROWD CHEERING) Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
(walks around the corner)
Selina: Get this T-shirt off of me. I look like I'm trying out for "The Price is Right."

Selina: Just do it before I melt down that whole collection and use it to wax Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!

Andrew: Hey, Mike, sorry. I gotta get running. But your investment is doing well.
Mike: I've never gotten a statement.
Andrew: Here's a statement your investment is doing quite well.

Jonah: I've been underestimated my entire life. Failure to thrive at birth fu** that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fu**ing thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade. Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.

Richard: I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! A lot of responsibility.
Marjorie: You just signed away all responsibility.
Richard: I've never done this before.
Marjorie: You just go in the room and...
Richard: Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.
Marjorie: Oh! - You mean masturbate?
Richard: Oh, self-husband. Does it hurt?
Catherine: Oh, no, Richard. It doesn't hurt.
Marjorie: No, but how is that possible?
Richard: Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Catherine: Do you need a minute or?
Richard: No. Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Catherine: You know what? He has a really good heart.
(DOOR OPENS)
Richard: I'm sorry, I'm still understanding how the cup comes into play.
Catherine: Oh, you you just have to aim and and what...
Richard: How many of these do I need to fill up?
Catherine: Yeah, no, you just have to do one.
Richard: Just one? Okay. I think that'll be easier. How will I know when I'm done? You know, I'll figure it out. I'll probably figure it out.

Shawnee: (to Jonah) I chose your outfit for the day, but I'm donating the rest of your suits to a charity for rescued circus giraffes.

Jonah: Did my missing ball freak you out?
Shawnee: Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.

Amy: (to Gary) You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

Dan: It would be uncharted territory for me. Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess. Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.

Kent: All right, the treasury secretary is meeting with House leadership about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
Jonah: Why do we always have to raise the ceiling?
Ben: So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.

Kent: (to Jonah) Refer to your color-coded chart. I've become close with a woman at Kinko's who makes educational materials for preschoolers

Kent: The female form is a formidable adversary.
Ben: Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.

Selina: I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house into the Selina Meyer Presidential Birthplace and Library.
Richard: Just like FDR.
Selina: Yes!
Catherine: But wasn't Mee-Maw living in Palm Beach when you were born?
Selina: Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.

Notes and Trivia

None

Goofs

None

Cast